Last January a friend mentioned to me that he had a companion ticket he had to use up by the end of June and might I be interested in a city break. Having flown first class with him to Copenhagen I was indeed ready for a trip and said I wanted to see Rome again. He agreed as visions of British Airways first class lounge danced in my head.
We were careful booking, wanting to be there before it got too hot, not during Easter or when school children were on break. Rome is a busy place. We booked for the 24-27 of April, feeling quite smart. ‘We should be okay, as long as the Pope doesn’t die,’ he observed. I was at the gym when he sent me a text saying, ‘The Pope just died. Our trip should be interesting.’ It grew more so when it was announced his funeral would be on the Saturday that we were there.
I first saw Rome when I was 21, recently graduated from university and completely and utterly lost in life. I remember Rome being huge, the traffic being scary, and wishing I was with my friend Tiff. It was on this trip I learned to be careful about who you pick as travel partners, but I’ve had mostly good luck since.
I had champagne on the flight mostly to brace myself for what I was sure would be the chaos of Rome, but the airport upon landing was almost empty. We walked straight through customs, even without an EU passport. At the bottom of an escalator we saw a group of priests huddled together and I thought, I wonder what the collective noun for a group of priests is? A religion? A pod? Given the news in the past years, my mind went to a few dark places.
As we took the train – clean, cool, comfortable, delightful, really – from the airport to Termini, I looked out the window at the passing landscape, thinking about all the area had seen as the image of Russell Crowe in Gladiator, walking through the fields, hand brushing the wheat, flashed through my mind.
Soon we were at Termini, and I was shocked at how big the station was. I remembered it as being a tube-shaped building, open at both ends with a few bakeries and coffee shops. The Termini I landed at had posh shops, bars, lounges – it was more like an airport – a really good airport – or a shopping centre from where trains happened to arrive and depart. The crowds that were absent at the airport were plentiful at Termini.
As we left the station I looked up at the buildings lining the street, wondering if I would see the place where I had stayed many years earlier, but we were greeted with a row of rather lacklustre shops, not the tall, multi-storey, off-white building on a corner I remembered. I hoped it was on the other side of the station and had not been torn down.
Our hotel was two minutes away. The lobby was nice, the staff pleasant, and the room, while not sporting much of a view – was lovely. The bathroom was tiled and the shower ‘threw off some heat’ my friend would later say.
Of course we headed immediately to St Peter’s, distracted along the way by motorcades and ridiculously handsome police officers. Carabinieri, polizia, and the Guarda de Finanza which confused us, but it wasn’t really their job descriptions that caught my attention. Somewhere on the application I am convinced it states: ‘Gorgeous men will be prioritized.’ But then, I’ve had a thing for Romans since studying their empire in grade ten history class.
One of the main reasons I wanted to see the Eternal City again was to visit the Mausoleum of Augustus, Julius Caesar’s adopted nephew who ruled after him and was one of the Twelve Good Emperors of Rome. While not as famous as his adoptive uncle, under his reign Rome flourished. (And the first thing he did when he took power was to go after the men who killed his uncle. Family loyalty. Wow.) I saw his mausoleum on my first trip, but it wasn’t open to the public. I remember it looked small and inconsequential considering his role in the creation of Rome, more like a large hut than a mausoleum.
We made our way there very early Saturday morning, mindful of the funeral starting at ten. While I remember standing on the street looking at his mausoleum with not much around, now there is a museum next door – white and shiny, housing the Ara Pacis, the Altar of Augustan Peace commissioned by the Roman senate to celebrate Augustus’s return from three years away in Hispania and Gaul. With my back to the museum, staring at the mausoleum behind a shabby fence, I saw a homeless man rolling up his sleeping bag, and thought about the parallels between Augustus and the man who was being buried later that same day, a man who wanted his coffin to rest on the ground, wanted to be buried not in the Vatican but in a nearby church that was special to him. Who wanted a simple grave, with just his name.
I felt something as I looked at what was before me: a burial place for a great leader long gone, a falling down fence, a dome of a church in the distance. And something else: an opening in the sky, a portal – both an entrance and an exit perhaps. I began wondering again about what happens when we die, if there is a Heaven, if we come back again and again until we get it right. Mostly I wondered if Augustus and Pope Francis were connected thought the light in front of me.
I took a photo with my phone and marvelled at how it looked, showing it to my friend.
‘It’s like the sky is opening up to receive him. Or sending down light to replace his.’
My friend said, ‘Good shot. Your phone has a great camera.’
Know your audience, know your travel partners. That’s a good rule for life. We moved on, heading to St Peter’s for the funeral, as I thought about all the people who walked the same streets I now trod. All the people around me. Usually crowds make me feel lonely. That didn’t happen in Rome. But then, I was distracted by the officials keeping us safe.
*
Sunday evening rolled around and we found ourselves back at Termini. I told my friend I wanted to find the other end of the station, so I could look for the place I stayed at so many years ago. We wound our way along, looking for a place to have a drink before catching the train, mindful of the crowd, scanning for pickpockets… and then it appeared. The hotel I stayed at. Where I had to pay forty Canadian dollars for a call I made to someone in Canada I wouldn’t cross the street for now. Where I looked out the window processing hundreds of emotions.
‘That’s it,’ I said, pointing.
‘Do you want to have a drink there? Some sort of full circle moment?’ he said.
I thought for a second then shook my head. ‘No. She’s not there anymore.’
‘Who?’ he asked, looking around.
Once again I was leaving Rome, my mind swimming with all I had experienced, all I had witnessed, all of the thoughts I had on death and Catholicism and travel and where I want to live and… everything.
Augustus was a good leader who made Rome a better place. Pope Francis was a good man who made the world a better place. Maybe they are connected in some larger, cosmic sense. But I’m starting to believe you can reincarnate while being in the same body. I felt that in Rome, staring at a place I stayed thirty years ago that still stands in a city that has changed and grown and expanded. Much like me.
As we settled into the airport lounge to wait for our flight, I said I felt like finding a quiet corner to have a cry. My alpha male friend looked like he wanted to hop out the window and take his chances on the wing of the aircraft departing. I’m not everyone’s dream travel companion, either.
*
I’ve been back for weeks now. My small suitcase has been emptied and my large suitcase is being prepared for my next trip, spending the month of June in Canada, a trip I also booked in January. My mind is still whirring, and I keep thinking about Rome, wishing I had stayed for the conclave, or spent a day queuing to see where Pope Francis now rests instead of watching from outside.
I couldn’t get close enough to the Trevi fountain to throw in three coins, like I did last time. But I know I will return – the appeal of Rome is eternal.
